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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  March 27, 2015 9:34am-10:08am PDT

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t things, one of the worst things in american history. >> do you remember ( bleep ) slavery?ed by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh >> larry: tonightly, it's a potpourri show, and we're not talking about that pile of gross leaves your grandmother leaves on the back of the toilet. i.s.i.s. has taken over the original "star wars" movie set. hey, if this is what it takes to get rid of jar jar binks... then so be it. a home depot employee is fired for having an i.s.i.s. lip tattoo. thank god nobody at comedy central knows about my "i heart al queda" tramp stamp. it's a grab bag of crazy head lines! so get ready to get punched in the laugh pouch.
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this is the "the nightly show." captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) ♪ >> larry: all right! thank you very much! thank you! (audience chanting larry) thank you, thank you. welcome to the "the nightly show." i'm larry wilmore. tonight we're doing something special. we're going on break next week, and there are a ton of stories in the news that we'd love to cover at length, but we just don't have the time. so we're gonna hit 'em and quit 'em. it's time for "stuff that can't fill a whole show but we wanted to get in before we go on break." ♪
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(applause) let's do this! topic randomizer, give us our first story! go! oh! people joining i.s.i.s. yeah, this is crazy. just today, two national guardsmen were caught trying to join i.s.i.s. this keeps going on! a few weeks ago, there was a guy in the air force. but the one i really can't wrap my head around is this. >> younger and younger teenagers are going off to fight with i.s.i.s. 15-year-old school girls disappearing off into syria. >> larry: fifteen?! see, this is what happens in the 21st century when you're trying to piss off your parents and there are no black guys in town to sleep with. (laughter) (applause) i'm just sayin'... maybe this makes sense.
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i mean, all kids like to rebel against their parents. (scolding... ) hey! sit your butt down this instant! now, i've heard from justin's mother that you joined the islamic state? is that true? put your cell phone down and look at me. is this true? well, i went through your underwear drawer and i found this! >> a scimitar? >> larry: it's not mine. it's not your mother's. where did you get this? you were trying to start an islamic caliphate, weren't you? weren't you? i'm gonna let your mother handle this, but i'm not happy. and i'm keeping this. (applause) >> larry: thank you very much! thank you! scolding dad everyone.
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scolding dad. okay, randomizer. what's our next topic? a little delay. oh! oh my god. very interesting. >> a new report from the u.s. geological survey says gold and other precious metals are turning up in waste water plants. a city of a million people, say the size of dallas, potentially flushes $13 million worth each year. >> larry: i will say that when, as a society, we get to the point that our toilets are on the gold standard, it shouldn't be a surprise that the rest of the world hates us. i guess that explains where trump gets all that gold for his hotels. all right. next story. randomizer, randomize me.
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i.s.i.s. again? but also... "star wars." let's roll it. >> the dome structures of tattooine, had become a tourist draw after they were used as the set for luke skywalker's home planet. but the town has become increasingly unsafe. it's now a base for i.s.i.s. fighters. >> larry: hold up. i.s.i.s. has taken over tattooine? oh my god, it wasn't storm troopers who killed uncle owen and aunt beru! >> aunt beru! >> larry: you bastards! that was i.s.i.s.? (bleep)! now, look. i'm protective of "star wars," so i want to say something here. i'm not going to let some bearded megalomaniac in i.s.i.s. desecrate tattooine. the only bearded megalomaniac who gets to ruin the mythology of that two-sun planet is this guy. (laughter)
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>> larry: that's it! i've said this before, and i'll say it one more time -- greedo did not shoot first. (cheers and applause) >> larry: thank you! it was han. han shot first. i'm not going to say this again. all right, we've got time for more! randomizer, do it! >> larry: oh okay. this is great. this is my favorite. than absolutely true story okay. a woman went to a mcdonald's and she wanted a bacon cheeseburger. they forgot the bacon. then this happened. >> when 29-year-old shaneka torres called to complain she was told her next meal would be free, but she returned to the same mcdonald's and the workers again got the order wrong. after that, police said torres fired a bullet through the drive-through window. no one was hit and torres was arrested. >> larry: now, in shaneka's defense, they did forget her bacon twice.
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in the same day. i'm no lawyer, but that might hold up in court. we thought this story was so important that we thought we did re-create it for you through the majesty of... "we can't believe this (bleep) so we have to act it out theater." ♪ please welcome the "we can't believe this (bleep) players." (cheers and applause) >> larry: okay. let me set the scene. shaneka rolls through the drive-through eagerly anticipating her cheeseburger with bacon. >> sasha: here's your order ma'am. >> holly: oh, hell, no. i asked for bacon. this burger ain't got no bacon. >> mike: baby, baby, baby, it's fine. you don't need all that pork anyway. >> holly: no, it's not. next time i come up in here,
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i'mma get that burger for free with bacon. >> larry: and that next time turned out to be just a few hours later. >> holly: i'm back for my cheeseburger with bacon! >> sasha: certainly. here you go! >> holly: oh, hell, no! this burger ain't got no bacon either. >> mike: baby, it's not worth it! we've got that bacon at home! >> holly: i want that mcdonald's bacon! >> sasha: i'm sorry. we just ran out of bacon. >> larry: and then shaneka said, and i quote... >> holly: bitch, you don't know who you talkin' to! excuse me! (shooting...) pop! pop! pop! pop! pop! pop! (cheers and applause) >> larry: i want to point out, no one was harmed in the shooting of this mcdonald's
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(cheers and applause) executive producer of the "the nightly show," our very own rory albanese. (cheers and applause) professor of public policy at u.c. berkeley and former u.s. secretary of labor robert reich. (cheers and applause) and he'll be appearing at the "garden of laughs" benefit in new york this saturday, comedian and actor jb smoove. (cheers and applause) >> you want to say more stuff. >> larry: he's got a lot of credit. and they're not booing. they're saying, smoove smoove, smoove! >> backstage, they said i'm possibly the most well-dressed person on the show. >> larry: that's true. i think it is. cheerpdz let's get into it guys. we have so many interesting topics tonight, i don't know where to begin. so i'm going to let the panelists decide. i have a grab bag with unusual items in it that coordinate with tonight's topics.
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whatever item our panelist pulls out will be the topic we address next. egypt we'll go with you first. ladies first. >> wait a minute, this is a setup! >> larry: that is not a setup. you heard in the news, the racist frat guy -- >> kind of redundant, isn't it? >> larry: well done! and there's the guy with naked pictures and will farrell came out and said we should get rid of frats altogether. what do you say? >> i say fraternities are elitists, exclusive and there is no educational function. get rid of them completely. >> larry: gone? (cheers and applause) >> if you get rid of sororities and fraternities, no one goes to school anymore quite honest. that's the best part of college,
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the whole experience. you should pt throw out the whole batch of apples because of one bad apple. the realty is there are a lot of fraternities and sorority that are exemplary. they do great community service, throw great parties -- >> that's not true. let me just say that for the last 40 years that i have been in and around universities every year or two there is a scandal and there's an apology and these privileged elite people come out and do press conferences and they say never, never again and they do it again! >> larry: it's a new batch of dicks coming in, though. >> it's fresh dicks. why am i the only woman on the set here! >> hold on a minute. i think you're both right. i don't think they do as much good as egypt says but i don't think we should ban them. but i don't think they do a lot
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of good. banning stuff is a bad practice just because a couple of people -- in other words, we have the kkk in america we don't ban that. >> those guys are bigger dicks! >> larry: k.k.k. has a lot of good parties too! (laughter) >> larry, i'm going to disagree with that. as a jew i don't go to those parties. >> larry: were you ever in a frat or anything? >> i considered joining a frat when i got in college. then i hung out with ten guys and -- >> that's a gang. well, we did our stuff undercover. >> again... but i will say you're going to have bad and good frats. if you're going to -- i don't think we should ban them. just make them more diverse. that way if they do something
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racist, the black guy goes what the (bleep) you say? you know what i mean? (laughter) >> larry: affirmative action. oh! that's i.s.i.s. we covered in the headline there is an absurd amount of westerners joining i.s.i.s. i don't understand that. we have the teen girls and all. this why are people trying to join i.s.i.s.? what's going on? yes robert i'm looking at you. >> i think there are not that many treating join i.s.i.s. you say all these europeans and americans. out of 600 million europeans and americans you have, what, 400, 800 trying to join i.s.i.s.? this is not a big deal. the press is making it a big deal and the more we talk about it the more people will go. (applause) >> larry: you don't think i.s.i.s. is a big deal? >> no i.s.i.s. is a big deal. we're talking about people, you know, yeenls and americans who are going over -- >> larry: what about about servicemen? what about people in the military? i mean -- >> how many? how many?
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>> larry: it doesn't matter! if you're in the military, what's making you join i.s.i.s.? i don't understand what that is. >> i also don't understand how do you know you're going to get into i.s.i.s.? like what if you travel and have to sneak through borders and take boats and they go, no, we're going to bad you you're an american. it could be they're like a catch a predator, you know what i mean? (laughter) no, you show up with like a six-pack of lemonade and go, let's do it! >> larry: you want to be a traitor? i'll show you! >> honestly, i think it wants a big misunderstanding. we even heard about the college students who tried to join i.s.i.s. as well. i think it's a misunderstanding. >> larry: what do you mean? i don't think they're trying to join a terrorist group. i think they're looking for the atlanta stripper called isis.
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>> i heard about this years ago in college. is this the lady who puts ice in her mouth before she gives you a blow job? (laughter) could be her. >> larry: you think people think they're going to do that? that's why they're leaving? >> i tell you there's a girl name ic e-is who puts ice in her mouth before she gives guys blow jobs! >> larry: were you in a fraternity? >> no, i'm not a frat. you sound like a man who knows first-hand. >> i do not. you're kind of excited! >> you don't want to get with this girl named crystal because that's his faithful. >> larry: we'll b ♪ ♪
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>> larry: thank you! welcome back! okay! time for the segment we like to call "keep it 100"! 100% real! all the keep it 100s are connected to the topics in the grab bag. j.b., you're working at mcdonald's, all right? >> right. >> larry: and shaneka drives up, orders a bacon cheeseburger.
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you notice there's no bacon on that cheeseburger. >> right. >> larry: now, you're a comic. you like funny, okay? do you give her the burger snowing there's no bacon on it, for the laughs? because you know something funny is about to happen. or do you do the right thing as the mcdonald's employee, put the bacon on it and give her the burger. >> what do i do? i know her smart is coming back. take off the bun, put the bacon on both sides like the bacon is the bun. put the meat in the middle and put it in a box and give it to her stupid ass. you got the bacon! shut up! >> sounds delicious. that bun is staying with me! >> larry: he kept it 100! (cheers and applause) there you go. okay. all right. we'll go to robert on this one. there was a story we didn't show.
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one of the stories was of the pope recently lamenting about his fame and how he misses being anonymous and he can't go into a pizza place anymore. so the pope popemobile is going around town and here's what happens! (shouting papa) (laughter) >> give the pope a pizza! it was awesome! i don't know about his security. i think he doesn't want to be pope anymore. robert you're in a mob of people waiting to see the pope and you have low blood sugar. that pizza is passing around. you're 30 seconds from passing around according to your calculations. the pope's pizza is coming around, you could take a slice of pizza.
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if you do you're going to hell but if you don't you could be knocked out from low blood sugar. what do you do? >> i take the pizza! i'm not catholic! >> larry: you do? absolutely! >> larry: got to give it 100! (cheers and applause) rory. >> yeah. >> larry: we saw the guy who got the i.s.i.s. tattoo on the inside of his mouth. you have a girlfriend named isis. >> does she do the thing j.b. talked about? >> larry: it's the same. okay. (laughter) if you get the i.s.i.s. tattoo, it means you're the greatest comedian of all time, do you get the tattoo? >> yeah! (cheers and applause) i can be jb smoove level famous i can take that.
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>> larry: ready egypt? bring it on. >> larry: you're selling a mansion to a very rich family. right before they sign the closing papers you see a toilet overflowing with pooped gold okay? (laughter) we don't know how much poop gold the households. it could be a slot machine or managed be the end of the gold. do you sabotage the sale, get labeled the worst real estate agent, but mine all the poop gold, or do the right thing, sell the house? good agent. what do you do? >> sell the house and offer them $10,000 to rent it out for 30 days. (cheers and applause) >> larry: pretty good! i just have to say i forgot to mention one last thing, it's poop fools gold! bam! but you get one of these! thanks for keeping it 100!
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♪ captioning made possible by comedy central - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled] ♪ - ♪ come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪


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